It’s simply too cold

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“Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d have frozen to death. – Mark Twain”

Yes, we just endured what winter is here for — to promote anguish and disgust for all things outdoors. Cold spells such as this are the types that make you wonder why. Why what? Just why. Why is it allowed to get this cold this long? Why exist?

These cold spells are why scientists came up with Kelvin in addition to Celsius and Farhenheit. If a zero C or zero F cannot explain how cold something is, then a zero K might be able to.

How cold is it? It is so cold that the ducks flew south-er for the winter. Seriously. My wife and I were looking over the frozen tundra that was actually a lake. Sprawled across the top were small mounds of white snow. Except, they were not. They were mounds of feathers with white snow piled on top. I think the fowl were ok, but somehow they had embraced the concept of igloos. This is the type of cold that kept me from enjoying hunting as a child. Mom would layer me up to begin with. We would start with the basic underwear and T-shirt. Then some Long Johns on top, which always felt as if they were a size too small anyway. For the upper body, we would add a layer of a sweatshirt, another sweatshirt, a flannel button-down shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt. Yes, that is three sweatshirts total and three non-sweatshirts as well.

Remember, I was small as a child, so my wingspan was maybe a tad more than a full-grown rooster. There was no such thing as putting my arms down. They were stuck straight out like a mummy without joints. For my bottom, she would slide a pair of blue jeans on over my long-johns. Then a pair of sweatpants were slid over top of the jeans. Lastly, there was some type of snow outfit that J.C. Penney or Sears must have sold to every parent for their kids that consisted of a semi-down filled nylon that usually had perfectly matching colors of say orange and blue, in the most hip 1970s stripe imaginable. Yes, that would finish off the bottom.

Once we had three pairs of socks stuffed into a waterproof boot that wasn’t designed for three pairs of socks, we could then run at a pace that is directly proportional to one-tenth the speed we could without such clothing divided by another half. In other words, we ran slower than carbon decays.

Waterfowl see colors. Rabbits may or may not see color. I don’t know, but they could tell when a zombie kid was making a poor attempt at a crippled penguin walk. The reason I mention this, is because of our fantastic 1970s colors and our inability to move gracefully, we had little chance of having a successful hunt, unless our prey somehow died from laughter.

Yes, when the weather gets to the point that outdoors isn’t fun, it is just too cold.

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood. – Bill Watterson”

Bill Howard is an avid bowhunter and outdoorsman. He teaches hunter education (IHEA) and bowhunter education (IBEP) in North Carolina. He is a member of North Carolina Bowhunters Association and Pope & Young, and is an official measurer for both.